#25 Shaymus Edwards | My Journey

In this powerful episode, Shaymus Edwards opens up about a childhood marked by rejection, feeling passed between family members, unseen, unsafe, and disconnected. 

Those early wounds followed him into adulthood, where unresolved trauma led him down the path of meth addiction, poor decisions, and nearly losing everything that mattered most.

As a father living in Australia, Shaymus reached a turning point that changed the course of his life forever.

What followed wasn't just recovery—it was healing.

Immersing himself in his roots and culture, building meaningful relationships and finding strength through brotherhood, Shaymus shares his passion for energy, frequency, spirituality, fatherhood, family, culture and creating safe spaces.

This is a raw, emotional conversation about trauma, resilience, forgiveness, identity, and the incredible power of choosing a different path.

If this conversation moves you, please like, subscribe, and share it with someone who needs to hear it.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:03

Hi, I'm Time Manor. And I'm Renee. And we're Bernie Bridges Podcast.

SPEAKER_05 0:08

We started this podcast through my own life experiences and a journey to healing. I've always been curious about what others have gone through and the moments that have defined them.

SPEAKER_02 0:17

Here we believe in the power of storytelling through raw, unfiltered conversations with high-profile to everyday people. Like, follow, subscribe, and turn your notifications on.

SPEAKER_05 0:27

Let's get into this episode.

SPEAKER_03 0:29

The following episode may contain discussions of sensitive and potentially distressing topics. Viewer discretion is strongly advised. This content is intended for mature audiences and may not be suitable for all listeners for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

SPEAKER_00 0:47

Tinaque, for no, my name is Sheamus Seawards. I was born in Wellington, New Zealand, and here I am with the Burning Bridges Podcast.

SPEAKER_03 0:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 0:55

Yeah. Kyota Bro. Tina Que.

SPEAKER_03 0:58

Kyoto Bro, it's great to have you here. I'm excited to meet you here in Melbourne and to have you join us today. So thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:05

It's a pleasure to be here. I'm very humbled to be here, to be honest, and I'm very grateful at the same time.

SPEAKER_05 1:09

We uh got to meet each other at uh Tanimatwa that we done last year together. And it's been a great connection for myself. A lot of great men that I've met through certain avenues like that in the healing space, and that one especially multicultural healing. Yeah. Let's talk about you and about what you've done, your background, and I know you've done a lot of healing things yourself. Modalities is the word I was after. Okay. Just give us a bit of a background where you grew up.

SPEAKER_00 1:44

Okay, then my brain. Um, I grew up in Wellington. I was born in Wellington, grew up with a single mother, but I spent a lot of time in Danivick where my grandparents were from. Being my mum being a single mum, my grandparents used to come and get me quite a bit. So I'd spend probably about I'd say eight months of the year in Danivick. I've been brought up by my grandparents, so I spent a lot of time there. Went to school in Wellington as a young boy, and then I got sent to boarding school in '93, '93, '94, '95, I think it was. I went to boarding school. Wasn't fit for boarding school. Was not fit for boarding school. Um, growing up with a single mum. But I had a bit of difference between my mum and my dad. So I really wanted to get away from there and be with my dad. So I left boarding school at 95 and then ended up going back to Wellington to school there. I was pretty successful around the um around the softball area as a young kid. I was playing a lot of softball. Didn't like it at the start, but really wanted to play rugby league. But my mum was uh pretty, pretty keen that I'd be playing softball, you know. So I did pretty well there in the New Zealand juniors, like through academies and developments and that. Learnt a lot through there, learnt a lot through softball. Was surrounded by some very good men, um, Jared Martin, Mark Sorens, and they're our coaches back in the days, pretty prominent softballers. And then uh yeah, that was pretty much my schooling. And then I got an opportunity to go to uh Hawke's Bay uh to play softball up there with Thomas Markier and a good brother of my Fabian Marquier. So I got to spend a bit of time there. Did a I only went to school there to play softball. Um, so that was the purpose of going to school, and then had a good experience in Hawke's Bay, connected with a lot of far know there, and then moved back to Danny Virg before coming to Australia, met my partner, and then we had kids, and then come over here about 2000, uh the year 2000, we came in. So that's pretty much been my journey and uh for my upbringing, my bra. And what was childhood like for you? Uh do you have siblings? Yep, I've got an um older brother um and sister. Then I've eventually found out later on that I had an older brother, my dad had an older son, and and now my dad's got a little young sister, uh young young girl, so my little sister. For me growing up, it was um, this is where my I realized my trauma, bro, was uh was my dad um basically leaving my mum at a year when I was year, the age of five, sorry, when I was the age of five when he left. I think that that pain that my mum carried was definitely something not to say my mum, but like, you know, I'm in a very good space with my mother at the moment. So we've really reflected on this journey. Like, you know, speaking about my mum on here and and publicly, um, she's I've even spoken to about before I come on here to share the story and my father, you know, um, hopefully help people about understanding of not loneliness, but presence, you know, like presence as a father. Um, so for me, my dad left, and that was where I was really broken, I think at the age of five, you know, I think it was around my fifth birthday, um, that I found that um now I've reflected, I can see where from that age of five, you create a bunch of model behaviors, you know, in survival mode, I would say, you know, because I could actually feel the pain for my mum at a young age. And, you know, she would blame my dad for all of this as pain, and you know, all I would ever hear was the rubbishing of my dad. So as much as I love that fella, you know, and he was allowed in my grandparents' house, even though he was hated by my mother, he was still allowed in my grandparents' house to me, it didn't marry up. You know, I mean, like, why is he still allowed here if he's not treated my mum like this? You know, like you still love him. Why doesn't she love him? So I was really pulled um between those, um, between them two at the at that time. And all I ever wanted to, bro, was to be with my father, you know, like asking my parents, well, how come I can't live with them because I don't trust your mum? You know, she won't sign the piece of paper. So here I am writing Christmas cards to my father at the young age, you know, like two dad love the piece of paper. This is the type of um things it was doing to me, bro. You know, like the self in myself. I was even waking up my sister at two o'clock in the morning, you know, back on the old phone and ringing his house at like two in the morning, you know, and then his wife would answer the phone, then I'd take the phone out of my sister's hand and abuse her, you know. Like I want I wanted my dad, you know, this is the type of trauma I was living with at the time. But I guess to where we are today, like when I learned from all of that today, I know the power and what that actually was carrying at that time now. You know, when I look back and realize what my mum and dad were actually going through, you know, and it's taking me, you know, I was waiting for them to ring me and say sorry, bro, right up until about six years ago. You know, I was waiting for my parents to say sorry to me. You know, why'd you leave me like that? You know, you left me in vulnerable places and situations. Things happened to us as kids that shouldn't have happened. And I've forgiven, I've really forgiven now, but that trauma at that time now, when I reflect, shows me how I shaped my life. You know what I mean? I wasn't even present, bro. You know what I mean? Like I don't feel like I was actually in the body because of the actual trauma of my mum. You know, like it was it really affected my mum seeing me hurt. You know, it mainly affected her, you know what I mean. Like I can I can see and feel the pain today. You know, she's dealing with it now, which I'm so proud of her to actually take the steps and trying to heal, you know what I mean? And and like I was seeing these things as a kid, early of the age of eight, bro. You know, like um I'd go back to my grandparents, and my quarter would be asking me when I was 9, 10, say eight, nine, ten, how's your mother? I'm thinking, you know, she's fucking angry, she fucking hates my dad, hates me. And this is my perspective, you know what I mean. This is not obviously what it was, but through a young kid's eyes, and I think this is where this could be a learning for parents, is that this is what the kid sees. You know what I mean? When you see, like when you actually take a step back and look at what they seen, your actions, because they don't know the true actual scene that I was looking at from you don't like me at all. You know, you you're palming me off to your mother, you're palming me off to your your father and mother. You know, well, why can't I be with you? You know what I mean? So I was really a lot of resentment, but I felt rejected. And that's been the biggest trauma for my um for my upbringing has been the the rejection, bro. And only identifying that, I guess, through going to places like the Fadi Ayo, um, and and self-work, a lot of self-shadow work, but learning that is that, you know, those are only, those are all my own perspectives, bro, of what I was learning back then, you know. The rejection thing, I would be really building up credits to people, you know, like my partner, I'd be saying, you know, like, I'd let her talk for two hours. Just talk whatever she wants to say, because I'm booking up my credits now, because what I'm about to say to her is way out of this world, probably, for her years, because of what I'm thinking in my life, you know, where I'm heading in my life, that if she doesn't answer me this way, she's gonna reject me. So I better make sure I've got some credits here so she shut up and listen to what I've got to fucking say. And you better say it the way that I want to hear it. You know, this is just the kind of model behavior I grew. And it was only like about, I don't know, six months ago, bro. I realized that's what I was, you know, through all that work. And it's because we create those behaviors. And I didn't know that stuff, bro. Like, you know, and so that that's been pretty much my upbringing, bro. And and proud to get that work done. Proud to get that work done, you know, especially for me. Especially for me. You know, I've hurt a lot of people, bro. Hurt a lot of people because of that. Um that pain. You know, I believe like if I could bear that pain of being alone, and there's nothing in the world that anyone should be, you know, suffering with. But there's way worse people off in the world than I was at that time. Yes, it was sad, bro. Yes, it was hard, but there's way worse people off, you know. Even my I used to look at my cousins like they were struggling. And I wanted to help them. But yet I couldn't even help myself at this young age, bro. But this is where it all stems from, is this upbringing, you know what I mean? So to go back there and really look back at that, um, my past, at like I said, I was waiting for my parents to ring and say sorry. You have to say sorry to me. That was never coming. But it wasn't until I actually um went within, you know, six years ago to go within that I started to realize that there's a lot it's a lot more deeper than what we think, you know, on in our upbringing.

SPEAKER_05 9:54

You were just saying that you're building up credits um to just listening to your wife talk and you just build that up, and then then you'll come in with your with what you wanted to say. And if you didn't hear what you wanted to hear, what would your response and reaction be to that?

SPEAKER_00 10:12

Go get all the back in the days, probably like say 10 years ago, bro, like 12, 15 years ago, go and get drunk, do silly things just like thinking she doesn't love me, bro. You know what I mean? Like uh to this day, like if I think about it in the last six years of going through like the last five, six years of the healing of my healing, there because I'm in a good place, I still didn't recognize it though, you know what I mean? But I was just pulling myself away and going, isolating myself and feeling rejected, bro. But it wasn't, like I said, it wasn't painful this time around, if you know what I mean, but but I still wasn't at like you say, I guess there's levels to the consciousness, eh, bro? You know what I mean? So this time, at this time in my life now, I could actually see her, bro. You know what I mean? I could actually see now that I'm shit. I'm I'm still living in a life of rejection because I don't feel confident in myself. So that that was this is now, but like years ago, I'd go and get on the piss and just think she hated me, bro. You know what I mean? And think she doesn't love me, you know, because this is what I was used to. That's the norms. And then I'd come home and make, you know, make it up. Sweet ass, carry on. That's that's but that's how I've lived it for years, you know. I look at the pattern, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 11:23

How often would that happen for you to to go out and drink and things like that that would happen for you?

SPEAKER_00 11:30

It'd be because I was brilliant, like for years and years of my kids growing up, I was heavily involved in rugby league. Like, heavily involved, bro. I was coaching my boys, I was playing. So I'd use that weekend. That was the pattern for the weekend. You know what I mean? It became the weekend pattern without even realizing that that's what it was. I was already rejected from the day we met, I feel, you know what I mean, my bro. So I came with that behavior. And then I carried on, it just escalated as I got older and older, the drinking, the drugs, you know what I mean? It really heightened that experience, and I still couldn't see it because of the drugs and the the alcohol, you know what I mean? Even though you know what's right from wrong, bro. You know what I mean? That but because you're dealing with the, I guess, the the trauma, you're not really seeing it for what it is, you know what I mean? For what it actually is. That's the biggest thing that I noticed, bro. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 12:17

It's a belief that you had as feeling rejected from your experiences as as a child, and you're taking that into your adult relationships, and now it's a belief that everyone in your life that's meant to love you, rejects you, without you even knowing, and it becomes a behavioral pattern that you end up just going out and being involved in rugby league with your coaching and playing, going out on a drink, and then drugs and things like that that happened for you there. How long did you really and how hard did you get into the drugs and alcohol?

SPEAKER_00 12:54

Oh, bro, it was just like casual, just to fit in, you know, through through the years of growing up. It was obviously heavy in the dope, just naturally, just because of fit I fit in with everybody. It wasn't until about maybe about nine years ago, 2014, I reckon. I came back to Australia from New Zealand and I hit the Meth. My partner hit the MF big time. Yeah, that was pretty heavy, bro. Hitting the Meth for 2013 to about say six, only six years, and obviously only six years, it was still six years, but it was a heavy six years, bro. And like I consider you today proud of where I am today. I'm definitely not proud of the choices that I've made and the effects that I would have had on people during during this time and even before, bro. You know, like I think that's what led me to the meth. It was the absolute rejection, bro, of like I was just tired, absolutely drained and zonked. You know, I was coaching for 12, 15 years, bro. I coached my son from the age of five right till he was 17, until he made Australian school boys and all that type of stuff, you know. So I was heavily involved. So there's a lot of a lot of masking, you know what I mean, bro, that was going on the whole entire time. I thought I had my shit together where I was absolutely struggling. I was like a duck on the water, bro. You know what I mean? Sitting still but going hundred miles an hour nowhere, bro, going nowhere. So when I sit there and think, you know, not gonna it's not an excuse. I'm not gonna say that the trauma was an excuse, but it was definitely I just had nowhere to go. Like I'd done, you know, I was unfaithful to my partner, bro. I was on the just not violently, not violent towards my partner, not all abusive mentally, meant mentally abusive, bro. Absolutely, like I said, rejection. So I'll just cut her off for days. You know what I mean? That was enough mental abuse as it was, bro. Just to and abuse, verbally abuse her, absolutely, bro. You know, then that led us to the meth. And during the time on the meth, bro, it was like kind of like my awakening. It sounds, it sounds fucking disgusting, bro. But I always, as a kid, I grew up knowing a life, like I listened to my uncles a ton of life about this world. You know what I mean? My bro, like this world. And I believed them, you know, what this world was about. But every no one believed them. So you get this kind of understanding. I think as a young kid, at the age of five, when you've gone through trauma, you know, like they say their kids can always see. You know, I remember growing up with my grandmother being a tongue, and you could see, you know, white world, bro. You could see these things, you'd be telling your grandparents, you know, and she'd be saying, Did you say that, boy? You fucking get locked up, you know. So, and even speaking to Papa Rick in that today, like they're talking about that was a time of suppression. Like, you know, I don't know if you've got far now that were locked up, bro, for being, you know, poor ungi and stuff like that, because they're maybe talking about aliens or stuff like this, you know, things that now seem to be in normal corridor now. You know what I mean? If you think about those people where we've got a bit more enlightenment around these things now, our understanding that, but back in them days, this is the early 80s, you know what I mean, that that was tapu, bro, to speak of those things, you know what I mean? And I remember especially at one of my uncles' tangies, you know, he's from the Napole, and that was a heavy precedence of Waidua, and I just couldn't stop crying, and my colour had to take me home. And he just kept telling me you're special. I said, This is why I'm in special needs. You know what I mean, bro? This is what I was thinking, you know, this is absolutely tell me something, give me something. So I take it back to their time of being suppressed, you know what I mean? That suppression of voice, just that voice, you can't speak your truth. So now you become a liar, just of things that you're trying to, you're trying to tell somebody something, and that's true, but through a lie. You know what I mean? Because you've just been told to lie your whole life and not tell them the truth. So that really had a big impact on my life, bro, with my grandparents, you know. I mean, my grandparents knew it too, that you know, I was different and seeing things like that and speaking, like telling my mother like she was trying to leave my dad. Like, you know, she's my dad left her and she was trying to buy the house to buy him out to prove a point. And I'll be teasing her at the age of 12, what a dick, because I could already see it, bro. And my grandfather wouldn't tell me off because he knew I was right, you know what I mean? But here is everybody getting angry at me because it's the truth. You know what I mean? They say, you know, watch out what these kids say, but my call, you know he just pat me on the back and say, Fuck boy, I wish you were the best boy. You got some courage, you know, and he'd stop you from beating me up because, or you know, even trying to whack me because it was the truth. I could see it. So through those experiences, bro, I I believe that played a big part on my path of my life because I wouldn't lean into those things that I knew. You know, I'd go in there, but just being clever, being really clever, bro. I was too clever for my own good. Even my call would tell me that, fuck, well, you too clever for your own good. But you know, like even stories I'd be telling them that I visualized in, you know, Southwind as a kid, telling the stories up at, you know, Napoleon there, there, you know, where'd you learn these things? You know, but then you'd be patterning that you got courage, that's courage. I used to think courage was fighting, and I couldn't fight for shit, bro. But you know what I mean? See, now you're building this persona and the and this this narrative of yourself, that's not even true. And so then as you get to this point of your life, like I said eight years ago, you've realized that, you know, I came to a point now where I realized that everything was a lie. My whole entire life was a lie. I was lying to myself. So when I got to that point, I had nowhere to run. You know, I mean, I was just running. But there's that song by Bob Marley running away. You know, that was me. And I would play that to people to tease them that they were running away from themselves. You know, and here I am running away from myself, bro. So once I actually stopped and looked, I mean, through this time on the meth, like it was ugly for me, my family, bro. Homeless, living in cars, bro. My son was picked for um Queensland State of Origin Academies and he was in the East Tigers storm development at the time. And I just couldn't even get myself together, bro. You know, I was broken. You know, he ran away from home. That really broke me because I felt like I'd truly failed as a father, you know. So I ran away, got on the meth. And through that time on the meth, I actually got I got back to my young self again. Because I was starting to see conspiracy theories and all this type of stuff, bro. You know, like it's they call it sovereignty. I think to Udulangy was telling us at the um at the trilogy about, you know, you go through phases in your awareness, say, in your awakening, that you're going through a sovereignty stage, you know, where you fuck, you realize everything's a lie. The governments and stuff, whatever this may be, what's going on in our world. You know what I mean? You start to see it. So you're trying to prove to people that this is not right. This is the top level you go through at the start. Can't you see it? You know, like look at it. So you go through all of this, and that was where I was at. Was it on the MEF? But then I started to really read into my Todanga Maori and Tiao Maori through Victoria University papers or download them off my head, bro, and just read them for hours and just starting to learn about our people. And then it really led me down to a path where I um was seeking my fucker papa, and to this day I still do. I I know bits of my fucker papa, but we've uh obviously been raised through Fango and Farno, you know, just trying to marry that right up and not do it anything, uh do it justice, really, do it self-justice. I really want to get that right for myself and my my Tamariki, you know. So, you know, going through that search or searching for me, I come across uh a lady, Kitty Manyaputur, who was our um a kuya, a great-great-grandmother of ours. Um she was born in Lake Taraweda and in the eruption times when it erupted over there, and then she moved to Fakarewarewa. So that's where I've traced a bit of our our fucker papa back to there. But in that research is where I started to find um my belonging to as a Māori. You know, because I was always embarrassed to be Māori as a kid, bro, growing up around Pakia people, you know. Um had cousins that could speak Māori, but I couldn't speak Māori, but I've been identified. So there's a lot of shame around that, you know what I mean? And I really struggled to be Mori, you know what I mean? But yeah, proud to be Māori. And then so when I got into the space and starting to do a bit of research, it started to sound pretty great. I was talking looking into the Patu Pati here, looking to all these things that really connect to Al Faka Papa, you know what I mean? I wanted to know. So I started reaching out, but because I was on the meth, bro, it looked real put on y. It looked really put on y so and then it wasn't till about the I don't know, about the last year, it was about 2018. We we're just at wit's end. We were very toxic, my partner and I at the time. We were dragging my daughter through the through the meth addiction, you know what I mean? My boys had left home, who knows where they were living. We were homeless, and um my oldest son actually, and my brother in law, give thanks to them both. Um, got my my partner a one way ticket to their mum, to her mum's, flew her down to here, down to Victoria, went to her mother. Absolutely. I was stoked. She was spewing because now we were apart. You know what I mean? Like she thought we were gonna that was it forever. You know what I mean? But I just knew we needed a break. And she knew this too. We both knew it, but we just couldn't do it. Like I said, it took the my brother-in-law and my my son to buy us a ticket to get us out. And she didn't want to leave. She hated her son for that at that time. You know what I mean? And her brother. Really. Like it was hard. It was very, very hard. You know, like in that time. In that time, I became psychosis, bro. You know, I became true psychosis, you know. Um, thinking I was getting chased by the devil, bro. I probably was, you know what I mean? It was because I was in that state of mind. You know, and it wasn't um, if I can speak on that space, this is where it got scary for me. This is where it really got scary for me. Um, the meth. So it would have been about, oh no, she'd been gone for about four months now. And I was I was in Kadakia. I'd been off the meth for a couple of weeks. I've been probably about three, maybe a month. I had my two boys with me at my bros fuddy. Um, had no belongings, had hardly any um belongings with me. But I was just had a milk crate, a single mattress, and had some couple little uh kittensy, you know, living in this house. Beautiful home. But I was in this home and there was one day there, I just ready to tap out. You know, I was ready to tap out, bro. Um give up. And I was sitting on a milk crate and I was in my bra's funny. There was a wardrobe here beside me, and I was sitting on this milk crate just thinking, bro, I can't do this to my kids, but I had enough. And in that very moment, um, you know, as I was going through psychosis, bro, I I thought it was, you know, um just crazy thoughts, bro. But the voice was heavy, you know. I got a voice to me that I'm sitting on the milk crate, sitting in the room there, stressed, and then the voice came to me that, you know, if you don't stop fucking around, boy, I'll hang you myself. And in that very moment, bro, I was like, what the fuck was that? Like I thought, well, that's not like it pulled me straight for that very split second, bro. I was straight, straight ass, bro. I was like, I see Dracula, bro. It was a scary ass, bro. The most I've probably ever been scared in my life. Like, like I've been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. If you know what I mean, bro, you know, like I've actually been caught. Enough was enough. But in that voice, bro, it sounded like my kuddle, and it felt like my kuddle's words. You know, as I've learned now, I'm not gonna put it down to my kuddle, but I know that that voice there and the description of words, he would only use those words. The way he would speak to me, like that, the tone, the way it came. And then, you know, in that moment, I looked to the side and there was an extension cord there. And the ward, you know, looked at the wardrobe, and he looked down and it threw me against the wall. And that's when I knew that I was fucking in some trouble. Like I was absolutely in trouble, I thought. So I got up straight away, rang a taxi, I caught a taxi all the way to my uncle's house. My uncle opened the door, and he just looked at me and thought, fuck, what's wrong with you, boy? You right? What's gonna pull me inside? But then his partner at the time, his wife at the time said to um said to me, Fuck if you she thought I'd kill my wife, my partner. She thought that I looked that scary, bro. She thought I had killed, finally killed my partner, right? And I've just the taxi's just gone up to the top of the hill to do a U-turn so you could leave. So I've run back out the house, jumped back in the taxi and gone all the way home. Just jumped straight back in the taxi, bro, take me back. So I've gone all the way back, bro. That's how petrified I was, you know, of myself, of this whole experience I was going through. And it was freaky as, bro. So I've gone back to my room and I just cut a kid hard. You know what I mean? Like, because I'd read this in the stuff I was reading. Now I know I manifested this all to myself because I was struggling to, you know, like really look within, bro. You know, once I heard that voice, I knew that that power that I'd been taught as a kid that existed. Whatever it was, whatever it was in that moment, I didn't know at the time, that was what's gonna help me. Whatever I was going through, that voice is what's gonna help me. Now I didn't, at that time, I wasn't a believer in God, bro. I wasn't even a believer in um vibrations, frequencies, universes. You know, like I had a bro telling us this every day. Me and my other bro, he came to us one day and telling us all about, you know, the law of a universe. I was like, fuck, stop talking about this poof to stuff, bro. I don't, now I get it, you know what I mean. But at that moment, it was just I wasn't ready for it at the time, you know. Out of all of that experience, that's where it became my awakening. Like a rude awakening, you know what I mean. My break from that point on, it was Mr. Goody Tissues, you know what I mean. Where I thought, you know, I mean, that's that was where it was. So through the meth, and that was my, I think it was only about a month later, I think October the 19th was my last puff. And that's when I left to come down here through all of that experience, bro.

SPEAKER_03 26:45

What made you guys move from New Zealand to Australia?

SPEAKER_00 26:48

I think at the time a lot of people in New Zealand were leaving to come to Australia because there was hardly any work at the time. I mean if you remember back in the 2000s, we did the Olympics and everyone was fighting over here for the Olympics and stuff like that. I mean, I wasn't a footballer. I wasn't a footballer at the time, but my grandfather said that. The knowledge I was seeking, I didn't even know I was seeking knowledge, but the knowledge I was seeking was was out of this, was out of our country, you know what I mean, was around the world. And wherever you walk with, you have your fennel, I believe, your feet. I didn't understand it at the time, you know. So I was actually, I wanted to travel the world, but I got to here because it was part of the tunes. You know, everyone was coming here, get new TVs and cars and all the monies, you know what I mean? It sounded great, you know. And then I moved over here. Yeah, that's what that's what pretty much brought us here.

SPEAKER_06 27:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 27:33

Just take us about your football as coaching and with your son and other players. You're heavily involved with rugby league and coaching.

SPEAKER_00 27:41

Yep.

SPEAKER_05 27:42

At quite a high level.

SPEAKER_00 27:43

Yeah. Um, so I come over when I come over here and I mean I grew up playing softball, but I always had an uncle my family's a fled to the Danube Tigers. So my family's from Denivuk. Denivik Tigers is a pretty known club in the North Island anyway, for a small little community, I think 7,000, 8,000 people. Not sure how many people there now, but for a um small town club, I mean, like other small rural towns, they're pretty competitive. And we had a pretty, like, I mean, back in the days, there was a lot of gangs back in, you know, around the Mongol mob and Black Power back in the days. And to us as kids growing up, Danny Virk Tigers was our gang, you know, like for me growing up. I didn't really have that same time in Danny Vic. Like I said, I was only there for holidays, but that was everything to me. Like, I didn't have my father, you know what I mean? So my uncle walking around, and they just talked about Danivek Tigers all the time. So that was my beacon of like hope, you know what I mean? Like for me. And then I got to play in 2000 before I came to Aussie with a couple of cousins and that, some pretty good like local players and some pretty yeah tough old dudes, you know. And that was a massive experience for me because it was giving me some fulfillment of like brotherhood, you know what I mean, connection. Because I was always striving to be part of that Alfano, you know what I mean? So it was awesome there in 2000. Then I came over to Western Australia, um, and then I ended up coming back to moving to Sydney. When I got to Sydney, I was quite lucky to play at Capra Metter Leagues Club in Sydney for only for a short stint. But then our coach moved us to Norrelland, and I really loved it. Met some players there, I think they've gone into some good things, and then I moved to the Gold Coast in 2005, and it's this is where I started to really ramp up coaching in 2005, is when the Titans come into the competition. So the Gold Coast Titans were coming in. I went and joined up at a local runaway by uh runaway by rugby league club. And at that time, they had Scotty Settler. Scotty Settler was around, and his dad, John Settler, were around. And I coached his, I mean, they're already young then. This is like sevens and nines, bro. And I was really into it, like really coaching. And I coached my son from seven, he was five, reckon right up to under-nines. I coached him up into under-nines, but had really massive involvement. Scotty Settler got me into the Gold Coast Titans Vikings to go and do some bits and pieces in there. So I grew some knowledge there. I think about 2009. Like I was heavily involved right up in like with seniors and stuff like that. I was playing myself, was never semi-professional or anything like that, not nowhere near, but was quite blessed to play around some really good players and learn the Aussie rugby league um style over here, like club football, like the real grassroots football, you know what I mean? Our club was trying to get into Q Cup at the time. Yeah, Tweed was the feeder for the Q Cup in Burley. So our kids were going from Runaway Bay and playing Burley, Burley Bears, and then they'd go into Q Cup there. But if they weren't playing Q Cup, they'd be playing A-grade for their club for Burley, not for Runaway Bay. So we're losing our juniors to the Burley. So I started to see this real massive passion amongst these old, old rugby league heads about what rugby league was about in Australia, you know what I mean, bro. And it was about club culture and what it was about building June, like really, there was Timmy Smith who was playing at the Paramedic Hills. Jeremy Smith was at the storm, I think, bro, at the time when I was at that club. Um I never had nothing to do with their coaching. But then in 2009, I had some really good coaching experience, you know, working with some good coaches. And then my daughter, unfortunately, my daughter was hit by a car when she was young, which just financially crippled us in the end. So I ended up moving back to New Zealand and we started a rugby league academy back there. Um, involved with the youth community back there, with the youth center. One of our um, one of our aunties back there had a youth community. A lot of our kids went through there. A lot of the, even my cousins that went to there as a kid, and she was still running. I was just trying to find, bro, something to keep me afloat, you know what I mean, and deal with the trauma that I was going through with my daughter, you know, and everything, I guess, at the at that time. So I created a uh a wellness program and rugby league was the motivation. So it was all about just youth and well-being, just like um modalities. This is way back in 2009, bro, that I was tapping into healing, but didn't know what it was, you know what I mean. So I was implementing this program. I wasn't going back there to disrupt anything. Like I said, I was going back there to try to survive. I was trying to keep my daughter alive, bro. You know what I mean? And I needed to get home because I lost everything here. So I had to get home. Didn't lose it all, but I just thought it was the best. We better move now before I do lose everything, you know. So I got an opportunity to work in the youth center to give us a job, and then I ran rugby league during the day. When I went back there, I noticed there wasn't much rugby league. I met a guy there, Peter Butler, and we started to really work together and we thought, well, let's start play rugby league Friday nights because families were training for rugby Tuesdays and Thursdays, and we were trying to train rugby league Monday, Wednesdays, right? So you got Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursdays, and you have a Friday off, which would be finishing after school, but then you have rugby Saturdays and League Sundays. So you're basically seven days a week. And I was seeing that people weren't getting to break, the families weren't getting to break, and I thought, why don't we just play them Friday nights? You know, there's only three three grades: 13s, 15s, 17s, we'll play them Friday nights. And but it's compulsory they play rugby if we could make it compulsory, you know what I mean? Because then we're gonna be turning them to athletes, bonus, you know. So I ended up starting to apply to a coach for rugby and league just so I could squash that conflict, you know what I mean, bro? And then that really took off. So we went to a meeting with NZRL, and we had a guy by the name of Kim McKay. He'd come from South Poor, he'd come from the Gold Coast too at the same time, and he became the general manager of our district. So I had proposed that we play Friday nights and we have a certain instruction. He straight away just supported it against the against the board. And so that put us into a position to start Friday nights, and that's where we really started to track our kids and really develop a good 13s and 15s and 17s. And then my young fella got an opportunity to come back to Australia in 2013 to a scholarship back on the Gold Coast for Kumar State High School. And then I already be, I had already coached there and coached kids that had played there, so I thought, well, let's head back. So we came back. When we got back from there, I ended up getting a phone call from Manuatu that the competition was struggling and asked if I could help out, like from here, you know, if I could help my mate do the draw and do all these things and I'll see shit. So I started to really get depressed, bro. I started to feel like fuck, I've left them stranded. Like all my nephews and all my little cousins. Shit, I've actually failed these kids. This is how depressed I got. I really got depressed, bro. But then we structured a thing called the Mono 2 Gold Coast Titans Rugby League development. Because I had built a relationship with the Kumabar State High School, the Runaway Bay League Club, and Gold Coast Titans with Scotty Sattler and that. That I was trying to get them to bring kids from New Zealand to Australia. It went all right. We actually got it up and going. I went home. The first year I brought four kids back. I mean, I mean, Kumabar were playing Kibera for years, bro, for 15 years, I don't know, and they were probably getting beat for 100 points to for a fair time there. And then we took these, brought these boys over and did a lot of work with them. A lot of work that the school did, the club. It was going all right. And then their first game, I think it was like 36-18 or something, the first game they played against Kibra Park. And this is years before getting beat by 100 points, you know. So it really had some good legs in it. The structure we had set up to bring kids over. But then I got appropriate by NRL to say who was I, what was I doing, bringing kids over here? I said I was just trying to do something good for these kids because I'd seen kids walk around the streets of Gold Coast, bro, homeless. Because pet families were desperate to get their kids into the NRL, bro, you know, to go to whatever ends. So I was just trying to fill the gap back then, you know, in my brain and start something like that. And that's why I became so passionate about it. It was going really, really well. I was trying to get a contract with the Titans to become a home state, and I had ticked a lot of boxes, but just before that, prior, I believed the universe just knew that it wasn't um gonna be fulfilled because this is where the meth addiction came along, bro. And this is where I started to aim into meth there because of my son just rebelling against some of the things went through through the league. So I just ended up going into the meth there, yeah, bro.

SPEAKER_03 35:45

So you just felt overworked and tired. So I guess it's an escape to like get high.

SPEAKER_00 35:51

I think it was like I was still trying to show up, you know what I mean? And I had nothing in me. But I knew people knew that I was fucked, you know what I mean? Like people knew I was listening, I wasn't lying to them, you know what I mean, like words, but I was lying to them like I'm okay. And they knew I was lying, and I even knew they knew I was lying. But you know, try and track on, and it just it just wore itself out. You know, I just wore myself where I just didn't, and I didn't even see it, you know. I mean, I couldn't even, I didn't want to see it. That's how much the ego is powerful, you know what I mean. I didn't want it to die, you know, but it needed to die that that that version, you know what I mean, that version of myself, you know. So that's what I put it back to. Definitely drained, tired, like well, I had nothing in the tank, you know.

SPEAKER_03 36:33

I think too childhood trauma, but also, you know, you're saying your daughter was in an accident. So you just think of all of these situations and things that you've been carrying, that it just got too much.

SPEAKER_00 36:44

Definitely the weight, massive weight, you know what I mean, and not taking accountable accountability for them. Not saying that to put my hand and blame people, just to step back. Because I was always trying to push outside myself, you know what I mean? The external of me, you know what I mean? Like learning about the ex now I know about the external. I was just trying to chase, keep up with the Joneses. Like we had brand, you know, nice furniture, had a TV in the spare room that was brand new, never turned on. And this is what I chased to do, trying to work, and and to be honest, like okay, we did it, but if I look at a true evaluation of it now, it's not, it wasn't puno. You know what I mean? Wasn't pull that the level awareness, you know what I mean? I get that a level of awareness, but when you get to a different level of awareness, you look back and think, shit, you know, you know, but you don't know, you know what I mean? And lying to yourself really, you know, you're walking through your own lives, eh? You know?

SPEAKER_03 37:32

Yeah, looking at other people's lives, I guess. People do it all the time now. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 37:36

I think it came back to my childhood, hey, that having not feeling like I had nothing. You know, like I I wanted to come over here and give my kids what I didn't have. You know, and I look at my life, I actually had a good life. Even though I was going through that trauma as a kid, I actually had people that loved me. I just couldn't see it. I had a good life, you know. I mean, I I truly did. My mum worked hard. She truly, she truly did, you know what I mean. I didn't have much time with my dad, but they both worked hard because of their own traumas. And I get it. Like if I look back at my dad's, I'm just give thanks that my my grandmother's still alive, and she's got to share this with me that I didn't know my dad's father left him at 17. He had to get them a house, he had to uh get his look after his sisters, you know what I mean? And this is from my grandmother's uh mouth, you know what I mean, and then helped her get a job in the Caravan Park, then he got them in place and you know what I mean, and then went to work. So I just think about that 17-year-old boy, what he went through, and you can see why he would leave, you know what I mean? And um, we're in a very good space at the moment, but I just think about this is why we chase things that we're not don't have, because we don't even have ourselves, you know what I mean. That's what I think the biggest thing was for me, was that like you're running away.

SPEAKER_03 38:43

Are you honest with your children? Because you know how you talk about you didn't know what your parents were going through.

SPEAKER_00 38:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 38:49

How do you now parent?

SPEAKER_00 38:51

Oh, this is a this is a really good question, this one, because um, like I didn't know what parenting was about, you know what I mean? Like people say there's no book, absolutely there's no book, but through my life of expression of my like my words and stuff like that, I found it hard to communicate to my loved ones because no one ever communicated to me. So I can help the world. I can tell everybody in the world what I what's about or what's going on, but to sit and look in my own fucking kids' eyes, I put them above me, you know what I mean? Because I owe them. I felt because I did wrong by their mother, especially my stepson. You just I've been I'm telling you a few last couple weeks ago, bro, that you know, my son, my oldest son, I met his mum when he was one, you know, raised him since. Love this boy, you know. He now has a has a son now, Mukul, these four. Even our relationship, you know, like when I got to a place of like healing and stuff like that, I thought I was really honest with him. And then when I look back at it just over the last couple of weeks, I was actually putting my son above me because of what I'd done to his mother. So I wouldn't actually talk to him. Pull. I've got a cousin that I, you know, you have your you have that one person you can really talk to and get some navigation. And he's beautiful with talking to his children, you know what I mean? Like he's a hard man, but to get some beautiful knowledge across to his tamariki, it's inspiring, you know. I'm thinking, bro, I can't wait to do this. What do you mean? Why do you struggle like this? Like, why do you struggle to talk to your kids? And I don't know. Because I think my mum used to used to yell at me, like used to always yell at me to get things done because of the pressure she was under. So I, you know, and then just recently, like my son was in a very dark space, and I I brought him, went up to Queensland and grabbed him. It was very scary, a very scary time. So I went and got him and I brought him home. He's back with us now. I mean, he's 30 next year, you know. I mean, this is my my son, he's 30 next year. And I used to think, fuck, you know, we've been, they should know by now. This is all I've been told, you know, from people under there. He should already know, you know, like fuck, I was 40, 39 waiting for my mum and dad to say sorry, bro. So who am I to sit in that position and think from that perspective that I this is how he should be? Where I know that we raised him where he looked after our fuddy. You know, he would cook dinners and well, me and my other son were at league. He he wanted to, he didn't want to play footy. Sweet ass, you want to play Xbox and you make sure those fuddies clean and you do all these beauty. So he can be that guy, but he can't go out and do um uh get the house. He doesn't know how to do these things. Just off yeah, he's working on it now, but we didn't teach him any of that, you know what I mean? Because we we wanted to protect them. So then when I look, when I look at these things and I look at it now and think, fuck, he's not actually capable of some things. So, like when he got home just the other week, I'm thinking I've got to talk to this kid, how am I gonna talk to him? But he can't even listen to me because I can't even talk to him. So I've had to take that into account. Like, shit, what am I actually, how am I going to address this fella? You know what I mean? How am I going to address this guy? So for the first two days when he came down, I said, all right, son, I want you to work on yourself, give you a couple of days, grace, and then we'll have a corridor, you know? So for those next two days, we're now dodging each other. And you can feel this puffed energy in my house, bro. You know, like he walked through the door, straight past me, not thinking, shit, I've got to talk to why is he walking past? You know, like he's getting out to his room, straight doesn't want to say hello. A little prick, now I'm starting to get wound up. He's only just got fear because he's used to our corridors as a kid. Hurry up, bro. You're always late. You know what I mean? You're always late, bro. You're always on your bloody game. You know, those types of corridors, that's all he knows. But here's a 30-year-old, or 20-year-old, 29-year-old man in a 13-year-old mindset, I feel. So I call him into the room one day, and in that moment, I could see the 13-year-old kid. Like just looking at him, thinking, shit, that's my 13-year-old son. He's too scared to even look me in the fucking eyes. That's pretty daunting. You know what I mean? That's what I've done to this fella. So, you know, I have to open this conversation up. I said, Look, son, you know, I'm having this conversation now. You can feel it. I can feel it. You can feel the energy, and he's starting to smile now. So just breaking that barrier down and just being absolutely honest with him that I'm struggling, bro. I'm truly struggling to be pulling here. Like I know what I want to tell you, but I'm uh because we can feel energy, we we're starting to feel each other's emotions. You you think I, you know, I hate on you, and you think I think I'm hating on you. It's not even true. That's not even true. All I want to say is that, you know, you came to me looking at a fella that was fried six years ago, and now you see your father doing very well. You know, he's got himself out of debt, you know, he's got himself some mobility now with some, you know, brand new cars and these materialism things, you know what I mean? But he hasn't looked at the work that I've had to do from that once a part of time fried man to the father I know I am today in a quarter, you know what I mean? Like I can walk in those shoes today. So having a good look at it and trying to explain to them, that's just been like reflecting on my own journey, really, and just being expressing to him that I'm actually struggling to deliver to you, bro. You know what I mean? But I do this with absolute love. I don't mean to um break things down the way I do, but this is the only way I'm feeling comfortable to deliver. You know, you're comfortable to sit and listen. Absolutely. He's all in. So that was our first, like, we only just had our first true conversation only a week ago, I think it was, maybe. And it was pretty empowering, it was really empowering, you know what I mean? Like for us too as a family. And like I said, he was dark three weeks ago. And now he's up every morning in the crack of dawn. He gave away his PC, gave it to he gave it away. He's in the gym, signed up to the gym, got him a little job. I mean, I'd love him to be working on deeper stuff, you know what I mean? That's my personal opinion, but just to see him with a smile on a face and actually see him, it's massive, massive to me to be honest. Yeah, truly grateful.

SPEAKER_03 44:43

Good for you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 44:44

I feel as a father, at times it can be quite hard to to pun to whether it's your son or even your daughter, especially when you've raised them a certain way and they and you've changed your ways and the way you operate as a parent from your learnings, and they still see the old you. Yep. And I know that as a child, when you're going through some trauma as a child, say for example, your son was 13 and you saw the 13-year-old in your 29-year-old from a child. If you're going through that trauma as a 13, your development in your brain stays at that 13-year-old, which is why you would have recognized your son being seen that 13-year-old in them.

SPEAKER_00 45:30

It was scary. Truly, it was absolutely truly scary, bro. That that's the effects that we have as parents, bro. You know what I mean? That's the effects that we have as parents if we're not um truly looking at ourselves and the way we're parenting, you know. Like I was never fucking the greatest for a dad, but I know my father now. Like I used to just call myself a dad. You know what I mean? And I get like dad, father the same, but I think a father, you know, like can really empathize with their son and their daughter, you know what I mean? As a father. And that's been something for me. Like I've always been a good dad, but now I look at the status of a father's different. You walk with your mother, you know what I mean? Like you, and that's been the biggest thing. Like, like I said, I struggled to talk to my son, my all my kids, bro. Even my daughter. Like she's just got a partner now, bro. She's got a little boyfriend now, you know. And I just had my first talk to him last night. You know, we had a really good talk, bro. It was quite scary, to be honest. Like, you know what I mean? Because I can see some he's very clever. Too clever. You know what I mean, bro? So I'm seeing that. It's just empowering, bro, to be able to be open for your kids. I mean, my kids are 20, my oldest is 29. Like my sons, and even my my youngest son, bro, he's 26, 27, shit, 27, right? This year. And he carries a lot of trauma, bro. From my daughter being hit by the car, him not making, like, he had a he had a perfect opportunity, bro, for NRL. He had, he was right up there amongst the day, bro. And he blamed himself four years, four years. And it was only like about when I went and grabbed my son, bro, that I sat down with my son. Because I think it was about a couple of weeks before that I got to go and watch the Warriors play um The Storm here. And a couple of the boys that played on my son's team are now playing for the Warriors, you know, or coached them at a young age. And that was so empowering, bro, to see all that. You know, you're getting stuffy, bro, watching all this stuff back in there, you know. My time's gone there, but just looking back at my life, bro, what I've done with rugby league, it was actually pretty cool, bro. You know what I mean? And I think to my son, what does he feel? You know, like because I've accepted it, bro. I've actually accepted, you know, that um I've been offered a grand opportunity down here to come down here and get amongst it again. I've had a few opportunities back doing this again. I haven't done it because I'm really passionate about myself. I wanted to be a Melbourne Storm coach, a rugby league coach, bro. That was my goal to be an NRL coach, absolutely. But when I learn about mastering oneself, bro, that's gonna change my Mockle generation, not the rugby league, to me. And I'm pretty passionate about that. So when I think about that, I wonder what my son was going through. In that moment, sitting there look talking to the young fella, you know, asking him, he was asking me how my young fella was. That was what was coming through. I wonder how he's going, you know, truly going about not making it in his eyes. What kind of weight is he carrying? So when my son rang me and he was in my older son, he was in a dark space, so I flew up there. Me and my younger son went and grabbed, he brought a TV, so it took my truck to go and grab it. And while we're out there, I told him about my experience. And I said, look, son, if you wanted, I mean, you're 27, 26, 27, if you wanted to have another crack, I would understand. But um, let's be honest to timelines, you know what I mean? And we're getting 27. There's kids of age now 20, 21s. If you learn to let go of something, you know, there's a no, but if they want to do that, I'd happily leave down here, leave your mum and your brother down here, and I'll fly up and support you, bro. Have another crack. If that's something you want to do, I'll be all in. Two years. I know I think a few players are just debuting at the age of 28 and 29. This is just to call it all from a father's perspective, bro, to say that I'm sure there's an energy around here that's actually holding you back in life. That you're trying to one day get back there, but your time's actually expiring, you know what I mean? Not to say that my son couldn't do it. I believe he could, because he knows 40. But I don't know if that's what he wants to do. You know what I mean? I said, you do what you want to do, bro. But to try and to give him that opportunity, and that conversation alone, bro, we got healing. Because he rang me like two days later, he was fucking stressed. I was like, what's what's up, bro? Because, bro, that was so powerful, dad. Like, what's up? He goes, you know, like for once you put it back in my hands, you know what I mean? You put it back on me. And I felt like, fuck. Is this actually, you know, I said, well, bro, because he he he actually used to flick his rope believe board and he put it away. So he's rang me with the ball. This is how I know he's back, oh, he's back in the scene, you know what I mean? So just in those conversations and and really being open to them. I mean, it's hard, bro. Like even talking to my mum and dad now, I struggle. I mean, they struggle to talk to me. So it's been really empowering, bro, to be honest, in those open conversations.

SPEAKER_03 50:10

That's great saying leaving it back in their hands. That is such a powerful thing when you think about that.

SPEAKER_00 50:17

Powerful, yes.

SPEAKER_03 50:18

Yeah, because you do you when you carry something and it's just so heavy, but to have the ability to just leave it back with them, yeah, and not in a bad, disrespectful way, it's just like this is your ownership. This is your own.

SPEAKER_00 50:30

Well, I think you're showing them support. Yes. Like, because you know, before it was like, you gotta do this, boy, you do this, you do this, you get up here, you fucking make this and all that, you know. But now it's like, bro, you know what it is. You already knew what it was when I was doing it with you. But I had my way because I had to go to work, I had to fucking take care of this and make sure that we were still showing up. I couldn't just be with you 24-7, sorry, son. You know what I mean? That would be great. But now, like, so I've got the reins and he's doing the money. And and people were saying, you know, like, I'm just trying to fulfill the dream that I couldn't ever do myself. I never wanted to be a Rugby League NRL player, never in my life. You know what I mean? I tried to pull him out of Rapid League heaps. I helped a lot of more kids, you know, and this is why he gave up, is because I was helping more kids than him. That's why he quit. Because, you know, like he was he thought I was helping kids that were never gonna make it anyway. I thought, that's a little shit. You're a little shit for saying that. You know, how rude of you. And that stuck with him to the end. Because, you know, like here I am giving myself away, and I did. Like I helped a lot of people, like a lot of people in there. Like, I gave myself away for years for rugby league, not realizing that I was never filling up my hand cup. And like when I was healed only three years ago and I got off, given the opportunity to come down here and have a jam, and maybe get back in the in the scene. I was thinking, fuck, that's not even me. That was just uh what everyone else thought would be great for us. Yeah. So to actually be where I am today and think, shit, that wasn't even who I am. I'm only just learning who I fucking am now. You know, it's just the rugby league coach, you know what I mean? I don't I don't crave it. I actually don't crave coaching, but I love it. I do love it. I just love helping people. But um, I think I craved it more because it gave me an identity. But now finding my identity and me, I'm not giving myself away to something, I think.

SPEAKER_05 52:15

Gives you that status as well. A lot of men, a lot of men, people, men would love to be in your shoes, have the opportunity to be involved with Melbourne Storm as uh, you know, development. Yeah, bro. Some of those things is where you're looking within yourself, that's not who you are anymore. That's massive.

SPEAKER_03 52:36

Yeah, that's so powerful to, and you must feel so good to be able to go, hey, you know what? That's not me anymore. And that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 52:44

Absolutely, absolutely. Like it's acceptancey, yeah. Acceptance. Like, you know, I was like, I love rugby league. Like, we're going there tonight, you know what I mean? Yeah, you know, I go to the grand final every year. I support the Warriors and Storm. I'm passionate about Warriors ever since day one, but you know, going to the Storm to get some development through them and learn about rugby league through their coaching stuff. Like I was never officially on their staff, but watching my son coach through there, taking kids there to coach, um, being being given background, you know, access to all the coaching drills, all that stuff, it was massive. But it gave you identity, you know what I mean? And it was absolutely, but now I don't worry, I'm not gonna say worry, I have faith in in the future for my mukle. But I think uh writing a narrative, you know, writing the story, not somebody else's story for my my kids and my mucko on that, teaching them how to write their own story and and and even my my my chapters, you know what I mean, ahead. That's something I want to do, you know what I mean. Not guided by something else but myself, you know what I mean. That's because I've always been guided by some other beacon, you know what I mean. There's always other beacons out there that are pretty, you know what I mean. I was chasing them.

SPEAKER_03 53:50

What a great space to put your energy to.

SPEAKER_05 53:52

I feel as though we're a lot similar, like that, within coaching with myself, even when I was coaching football, and I was involved with Norse Q Cup back then when Melbourne Storm was affiliated with Norse. Yeah, and I was chasing that. I was chasing to be with Melbourne Storm myself, okay, and I had the opportunity to work in Melbourne Storm at times, and they come up to Brisbane. I had the opportunity to even work with uh New Zealand team. Okay, and I was chasing that, and I wanted to be in there full time. I was only a part-time gig on the side that I was getting to do that. That's another story, but yeah, I don't want to go too much into that. Like it's something that we're always chasing, and then it's part of you want that status, you want that identity because that's what I wanted.

SPEAKER_00 54:34

Absolutely. Like, I I know there's a place for it, bro. There's absolutely like rapey league's a pretty simple game. You know, like we talk about healing, kids that are coming out of trauma and family eventually find out their trauma. Like we've we know that for a fact. Now it's inevitable, you know what I mean? That they're it's probably already shaped who they are today. So you're taking a kid that's got trauma with this model behavior. I mean, how many times have we heard this now that they're going into a world full of corporate and professionalism with modeled behaviors of trauma? But then they get to their own when they've got no more managers now, they all fall. This is why they all fall apart. So I think that the the guys of like Kenny Edwards' is and all these guys coming around doing academies and programs and stuff like that. I've got a bro down here at the moment, um, late Spellman, he's got an Academy I am Academy, um, and they're running junior programs down here. It was El called it all, like he wanted me to come work alongside him, and I thought, well, for me, I love the sport, bro. I love the game, watch it every every weekend, you know. But I think what I was, you know, what I was able to see was the broken kids in the game. Not saying they're still there or they're everywhere. They haven't been in the game for a while, but the power and mastering yourself will enable you to make sure you get their contract, I feel. You know what I mean? Not to say their hard work um won't get you there, but imagine having a hill journey along the way to becoming a professional sportsman.

SPEAKER_05 55:58

It's most likely the trauma that's gotten them into the NRL because of their toughness, their anger, they've used that as a force, yeah, not to be reckoned with. Yeah, and it's that's how they perform in their you know development.

SPEAKER_00 56:15

Yeah, well, look at Dion now, bro. Look at Dion Friedman and Matthew Ridge going around the country back home. Yeah, I mean, very beautiful man, brother Dion. You know, like and Matthew Ridge, he was an idol in my farm, though. You know, we looked up to that dude, you know what I mean? And and to see him going around speaking about his, like he said, you know, he was saying um on his can't quote it, but I he was talking about how you know he just fucking ran a hundred miles into everything at all costs, you know what I mean? And not, and now that you know he's even speaking about, imagine having that awareness. I'm not gonna say you're gonna be fully, but imagine having Rangatito around now. You know, we we were quite privileged to go to uh to Funny Ayo, bro, you know, be around Nutinor in there. Imagine having Rangatita like that, hosting spaces for our youth, bro. Not to say you have to become immersed, and I feel like some of them probably wouldn't even carry on playing rugby league. Because you find yourself, you know what I mean? Like this is what we're using to get out. Why are we having to get out? You know, that was my big question when I was in the league. Why are we using this tool to get away from home? We have so many beautiful things at home. Look at the beauty the Warriors are doing now. Hopefully that encourages our kids to stay home and they build a massive um development system there so they can learn about themselves. They're tell Maori, Martin or Māori, wherever it is in this, you know, in this world, like I just think that they lose their identity. You know, and I remember playing when I was older, like these guys in men's group with now that are playing, I used to play league with. They're broken men, bro. Because they chased the dream. You know, now they're just like, you know, abuse themselves, drugs, alcohol, you know, speaking down on their parents because they're just frustrated, not just lost, not truly knowing their purpose. You know, I think rugby league's their fucking purpose, bro. You know, that's gonna make me Superman or something, where really I think they're you know what I've learned, you know, through healing, bro, is that and finding myself is that the journey to mastering yourself, I think, is has a lot of power in it. You know what I mean? The mastering oneself. I mean, who's that who's that old um philosopher, bro? Tao Zhu, is it? Tao Zhu, I think.

SPEAKER_03 58:16

Uh yeah, I think that's his name. Yeah, who?

SPEAKER_00 58:18

Yeah, Tao Zhu Tao Zhu.

SPEAKER_03 58:21

Is he is that's not the art of war, is it?

SPEAKER_00 58:23

Yes, you know, and yeah, the art of mastering oneself. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's Japanese, bro. They the samurai, they take their life on the spot, bro. And to us that was tapu, because we could walk with shame. Well, there's Japanese that didn't want to walk with the shame. No disrespect to any of those brothers out there, but that's their philosophy, that's their culture, right? They if they walk in shame, boom. And and I'd never think I think it was reincarnation, I think that they could walk in. We've got the kind of same philosophy, we just walk through it though, because we got the we we had the tools to get in there and you know not not be ashamed of who we truly. I used to walk in shame, bro. Not not to not today.

SPEAKER_03 58:58

And talking about too, um, going back to grassroots of helping kids before they get to that point, right? So how important that is. And I know you talk about there's this vessel of using rugby league or union or whatever for these kids. And I think it's important that's where a lot of it starts from primary school. Like at a young age, these kids coming through trauma, traumatized. They get to adulthood and that they haven't been able to talk about it or speak on it. So you work with kids. Yep. What sort of things do you do with that?

SPEAKER_00 59:30

I just think listening to the kid and making sure that they're heard and like you'll never understand what they're going through. Because they're going through it, not us. You know what I mean? We don't go through it, they go through it. But you have an experience that's similar to what they may go through. And like, you know, the universe will never put you in front of someone that you're not supposed to be in front of, you know what I mean? So, like, even if you think that you have nothing for their kid, you know what I mean, your experience somehow, like of your life will somehow play a part in their learning. That's what I've learned with the kids. When I work with non non-verbal kids, and I've had to really sink into vibrations and frequency, learn about telepathy. I used to think that was flawful, it was bullshit, you know what I mean? But now I know for a fact that it's a it's a fact, it's truth. Feeling them first, like if you know what I mean, sitting with them and giving them presents, you can feel the vibrations and you can that's something that I've had to accept as a gift. If you know what I mean, like the gift, the gift of life. Not just me, everybody has it, but the acceptance of knowing of it. Like I said, as a kid, I felt suppressed and I thought that I was fucking pulling everybody. The vibration is words, it's music, you know what I mean. So if you can get in sync with them, they will tell you everything that you need to know. If you're listening in here, you know, not with these eyes and these ears, but with your internals. I feel that that's where we can communicate to them. So that's been the biggest start for me is presence and listening. And I was never a listener, never present, always got things to do, you had to be somewhere, fuck, too busy for you, blah, blah, blah. But just that one thing of taking time to give someone some space, they'll start to open up to you just naturally, I feel. You know what I mean? So that's been something for me. It's empathy, empathy, big empathy.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:03

For the fathers to have daughters are dating for a father that's having internal, internal struggles of their daughter dating a young man and conversation that you had with your daughter's boyfriend. How's a good way for a father to approach that?

SPEAKER_00 1:01:23

Or and how did you do it? Like, I struggle to talk to these, like, this is my daughter's partner, eh, bro? You know, like he's a beautiful young man. I can tell by vibration, and he's he's a good young boy. I'm very blessed, very blessed firstly, to have him in our life here for my daughter. But I didn't want to befriend anyone, bro. Because if you upset the daughter, now we're not friends. That was my first, you know, walk into this friendship with this father, you know. But then as I've noticed, he's tried to build a relationship and we're trying to communicate, and then my daughters, I mean, they're with each other every day, bro. Like I said, I didn't really leave wisdom in my daughter's space. You know what I mean? My bro as a as a as she's growing up. And it's only I've recently as a young adult that I can talk to her, you know. So I'm just never getting as we go. But yesterday we had a really good talk, and he's talking about how he wants my daughter to go to work. He wants her to do these things and do these things. I'm thinking, wow, you the father, bro. You know, are you the father? I wanted to go to work too, bro. I wanted to do these things too. Um, but then I had to come from a place of I said, empathy. I put it down to being honest, man to man. I never had these conversations with my father-in-law, never had the conversations even with my dad, bro. But what I wanted to make sure that is that this kid felt comfortable, bro. You just said that, like, you know, talk to my experience or my partner, bro. Like, you know, I did things to make her happy. Not because it made her happy, because I thought that's what we did. You know, I chose jobs to make everyone else happy, bro. So here I am navigating my life thinking, and now I can see them doing this very same thing, bro. So I had to try and find a way. It took me a couple minutes to think about how can I deliver this to this guy that whatever your passion is, or you know, like whatever your passion may be, you put that out. So this is how I started to talk to him. And then he just looked around and started to listen, right? I thought, right, I got you. First of all, I'm gonna go into about a place of, I don't know, as a father. I'm very spiritual, bro. Like, I wanted to know about him. It's not my place. He didn't his his he doesn't have his father, and he really yearns that, you know, so that was very hard to replace. I'm not replacing his father. I said, look, boy, I can never replace you as a replace your father. I know you have your access to your father, but the one thing I do know is that when I didn't have my father, I wish I had someone that could at least conversate to me and share some wisdom. You know what I mean? My quarter was there until he died. Now, what I know I can share with you is that I do an exercise with him. Have you ever done the rock star exercise, bro? Have you seen the rock star exercise? You know, you know KRS1? Um you've not been. So I had a bro that got us into his um lecture. He's a philosopher, bro. He's a I think he's a professor. I'm not sure if he delivers, he either gets contracted in there to do lectures, bro. And he had a um lecture on just about self, about you know, the ancient uh ancient history. You want to do it? Do this, yeah, bro. Okay, so um now please. Uh this is this is his exercise, bro. But but I've done it with a lot of people, and I've played the video. You can watch it on video, it's online on YouTube, so it's out there. The exercise is pretty simple. So you just gotta we understand that this physical world is a 3D reality, you know, up, down, side to side, back, forth, physical vibrations, everything's moving and vibrational, right, bro? We sound, we speak, we hear. So that's our 3D world. This 3D world sits in the 4D time and space in space. This world sits in space. So everything that vibrates on this world is sound. Okay, bro. But on the counter three, I want you to say the word rock star to yourself on the counter three. Not out loud, just to yourself, okay? The count of three, ready? One, two, three. Okay. So you just said that word and you just heard yourself say that word, but you didn't use any vibrational sound but your mouth speaking, or you didn't hear it with these physical ears. So if you physically haven't spoken that word in this 3D world, you've got to ask yourself, where does that sound come from? Because it wasn't a thought, because I asked you to speak that word. So where is that sound? It's not in the physical world, obviously, yeah, bro. But where does that sound come from? You heard it. Did you hear it, bro? I heard you heard you heard yourself say that word? Yep. So you spoke it though, but not physically, and you didn't hear it physically. Well, these ears, you heard it inside of yourself. So where does that voice sit? If it's not in the 3D or the fourth D, everyone forgets about the in and the out. The fifth dimension coming in and out, the rock star, that's the voice. So you know the affirmation, yeah, that's the affirmation voice you have. Have on the not your tongue, but yeah, on the inside. That's the rock star. So to connect to this is what I learned from him about connecting to that self. And that gives us a whole different look at this our world. So I've said this to my son-in-law, and instantly, bro, he stood up in joy and nearly cried and wanted to give a hug because now he hears something way different to what he's been portrayed in his life. And like I said to him, this is not to win you the lotto. It's not going to win you the lotto, boy. But this is something that you know you think this is you and the physical body. This is the vessel, the way doer, the soul.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:38

And um it exists without you saying it or saying it. You consciously pulled it up. Yeah, yeah. It's there.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:46

That's you. Yeah. Because you pulled it in. It wasn't a thought, you know, thoughts download. Like if there's any constant things, if I'm saying this wrong, please give me a D on just the D's. But you know what I mean, bro? You know, like Mr. D's. I never got a uh, you know. So you get conscious down. You spoke that to yourself. So then you, I'm sure you would have felt it.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:10

And I know for a fact that when I see you, how did you speak that and hit I could feel Renee straight away inside the water there thinking shit? That is something it's a power in you. So that's the voice that we go to in Kodakia. I I feel that the roster.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:24

Yeah, that's cool. Let's talk about your healing journey. So after you got sober, how did that all come about with you?

SPEAKER_00 1:07:32

Like I said, when I when I had that awakening, that that voice, that power in that voice, I knew was godly. It was a godly voice. Like I said, I put it to my coral because the dialect and the tone that I was having, you know, this moment with felt everything like my coral. And then, like, when I was in there, I I could just feel them. I could feel my nan in my corn. And I hadn't heard from like I dream about my nan a lot, but I haven't, since my coral passed, he never existed. Not in my, you know, not in nowhere. And it was in that moment he came and I seen him. You know what I mean? So that was massive for me. So that was where I started to feel something bigger than me. Like that. When I was a kid again, I felt like a little kid again, seeking that uh knowledge. And during that time, there was uh the Matriki was coming around. Like we're starting to get knowledge of the Matriki about six years ago when uh Rangi Matamua started bringing that corridor. And I was just going through these papers and reading papers from uh Wellington Maori and Matorang and Maori. Owlsden best. Remember Alzden Best? He came to uh Tuhui, I think, and spent time in Tuhui. There was I got another guy, um, I just read heaps of stuff on Teao Maori, right? And I had this real craving for it. And then um then the Matariki came around and I started to research in that. But when I was a kid, my cuddle told me of a story that we came from Pallades, right? We come from Pallades and I used to think that was a country. So when I was a kid, we had this atlas at my name. I was supposed to bring this, I've got I've got the atlas now, bro. But when I was a kid, they had this atlas, and I used to go through all of the thing in P, you know, looking through P, looking for Pallades, bro. As a young kid, all the way through my life, thinking that's that was our fucker papa, you know. So then um never found never found it, bro. In the book that I've got now, you can see where I've drawn, looking for it. My kids in there, they crack up, you know, like geez, okay, dad. That is true. That's like, bro, I spent hour when my grandparents were coming. What are you looking for, boy? Pallades. Oh, keep looking, boy, you'll find it. You know, bro, you know, this is the upbringing I had. So then it was like, like I said, when Mataliki came around, I went to uh Wanananga and they were speaking about um Palladi or Mataliki and how it's connected to I think it's one of the only star systems that's connected to I'd say majority of our cultures in the in the world, like Japan's Superu, I think it is, um Hawaii's Mataliki, um Greece, and then they see Greece is Palladi's, and I'm like, what the fuck? I was like, bruh, I'll tell you, like, not pissed off, but so joyful, like so happily, angrily fucking joyful that fucking bro, you are a dick, you know, like of course you are a dick, yeah. Why don't you just tell me, bro? Because I would have been telling people we aliens, bro. You know what I mean? Like we from the stars, and this is the kind of like stuff I was at that age. Like I said, I was telling my grandfather things like my mum hated my dad, you know, at that young age, bro. They would have locked you up. So in that moment, bro, when it was like those moments that I realized that there was something like, What is what is this world? Like, what is this world of healing and all this stuff, you know what I mean? Like to me, like if you were that dude, you're a puff, bro. You you know, like, that's not cool. You know what I mean? And like I said, my mates were trying to push this upon me for a few years during my methic journey, you know. Fuck, what a puff, bro. Let's talk about that stuff. It sounds all unicorns and rainbows, you know what I mean? And then fuck now I'm immersed in it, you know what I mean? I just know it's it's it's a power in healing for everybody, you know what I mean? I mean, people that go through healing can can feel it at the other side, you know what I mean? Like, I didn't think I could ever be saved, bro. You know, I thought my life was what I'd done to my family, that was it, bro. You're off to hell. Like, what a lie. That's an absolute lie, bro. I mean, if I'm to carry on being a dick, absolutely that's true. You know, in your own. But then just my kids is what drove me and my partner, like, you know, the the pain that I caused them just through being lost. I said, yes, I can be, I have to be accountable for my actions, absolutely, 100%. But I'm not gonna say it's an excuse either. But like I said, I had no idea about this world. Like, fuck, where was this hiding, bro? Like, you need and that's what I mean. Like, this is the the acceptance of the world that we live in. It was a lie, you know what I mean? That that world was was an absolute lie. I guess just trying to accept it and move forward, I knew it wasn't healing. Not forever, not forever, but just to heal my my wounds, bro. Try and live a life and try and live forward and create a better narrative, bro.

SPEAKER_05 1:12:17

If someone was to come to you and open up without knowing too much detail about them and just saying, look, bro, I'm I'm struggling. Yeah, how do I heal? What would your response be?

SPEAKER_00 1:12:30

Firstly, uh uh opening up to somebody. That there alone is the answer, bro. You know what I mean? To me, yes, there's a low lot of modalities you can send them off to heaps of Wamangas and fucking retreats and all this type of stuff, bro. You can send them to there, but I think to give them empowerment straight away, like that they've actually, I mean, like you look at all the slogans we got now, you know, no disrespect to those people that created this stuff through the government, you know, it ain't weak to speak all these slogans, like you know, um, I mean, there's some other ones out there, but I mean, I've been in that space. I mean, I lost seven bros to suicide, bro. So, like, to be listened to firstly, like, you know, like it's it ain't weak to speak or speak up, and but what when you go speak to someone, like I said, if someone came and asked me, well, what's wrong? The bro's gonna go, I don't know. Most people say, Well, come back and let me know when you fucking find out because I don't know. And that's the minute there, that moment there, bro. Send the bro to the ground to me. I mean, because he doesn't know. Like, I've I don't know if you know, you in your experience, bro, of our dark times, for me, it was like I didn't know, bro. Like I said, I don't know if this world of healing, bro. I don't know how beautiful this world actually is. The world, not talking about the system, I'm talking about the world and it's and nature. What a beautiful place to be living on. You know what I mean? Outside of the system, if you live in nature and in this world, it's a beautiful place, bro. But when we think about our people, our men, do they even know about a world like that? Once you fucking they realize they can speak about it, they will carry on because you've made them feel embraced that with them, yeah. Like, and I think you just well for me, I've done I've been in that space for a while now, bro. Not to say I'm a healer, not healing everybody, but I've been quite privy to be into a space where people have rung me, and I mean, I've done a lot of work, bro. I've done a lot of I can, you know, hands up, say I've done a lot of work and got through a lot of demons, brother. You know what I mean? That you just know when you really because it's all it's all through vibration, eh, bro, and frequency. I mean, that's healing, bro. You know, I mean, you you know when someone comes to you with a pattern of the same behaviors you used to go through, you can see them, they're fucking singing at you, bro. So you kind of navigate that space. Imagine trying to wake up at four o'clock in the morning, go to the gym, do meditation, bro. Then you gotta go to yoga cars. Now you know why the missus is late for my because we're trying to fit in all these modalities, bro. You know what I mean? So for me, it's never been about going to external, it's always about going internal, bro. Like, what what what makes you dig, bro? Like, like what made you come see me? How how do you find the courage to do that? Because that's fucking that's that's courage, brother, you know. And I found that doing that, bro, they just straight away break down because you're opening up the door. You know what I mean? You actually open up the space for them. But when you're like, oh, you know, and your vibration, you know, I think it's the key is your vibration, eh, bro? Like, what you're putting off. Because people say, like, I'm all about good vibes only. Um, I only fuck with positive vibes, hey, bro. You know, like, well, like I said, I went to school for a very short period, brother. I wasn't quite blissed like the rest of my coussies. They went a long way, but I remember one experiment you could do, you could put two batteries together, hey, bro. If you put two positives together, do you get a spark? You don't get a spark, do you?

SPEAKER_03 1:15:49

No, you gotta get positive and negative.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:50

Positive and negative positive and negative. Yeah, yeah. But all we want is positive fucking vibes. And now we wonder why we're always fucking bashing each other because we've got too many alphas in one room trying to be so positive. Where if you can embrace a negative, you know, like a negative vibration, and then like enhance it. Like you say the negative and vibe are positive together, obviously turns to uh you harness that energy, and then you turn it into a bigger explosion. So that's the that's the um importance about positive and negative to me. Like fucking, I've had people say, I'm only about positive. We'll catch you up then, brother. Good luck finding all them, fellas. Because really, deep down in there, you need a negative. Not say that you need negative people, but that negative, like when you're talking to someone, you can feel their negative vibration, right? So you gotta somehow harness their energy and turn it into a positive vibration. So then now you're both empowered. That's my understanding of the physics. I think, bro. I think, but that's my understanding of energy, you know what I mean, bro. Because we're all energy, and that's just the way I've learned to reciprocate the energy, I think. Otherwise, I'll be just normally bashing on them, belittling them, you know, making so they they I become the negative too. Even though they're the one that started off negative, I've now become negative because fuck you don't want to listen to me. Of course, he's not listening to me, I'm yelling him down and being a dick. Yeah, I was just talking to Tahita about this of the day, you know, there's the zest for life and joy and life, bro. If your trauma was something that nearly broke you, you know what I mean, or if you've you've lived a life where you think you've been hard done by or something like that, and you know you're not worse off than other people, there should be no excuse to not enjoy and be empathetic, you know what I mean. I think we just look for we just people can't be empathetic because they're so in a rush, like chasing the world, you know what I mean? Like um I guess it comes down to people's values too, Aesus. You know what I mean? Like for me, it's like always, like I said, I was trying to keep up with the Joneses all the time, sis, you know what I mean. But for me, I was really struggling to even keep up with my fucking self. Uh I mean that's a Sagittarius too. I'm a Sagittarian, you know what I mean? I know that's my that's my trait as well. Is that where uh um the Chairon was uh very optimistic, as it you know, um the king of optimism or thing like that. Everything's you're always looking way, everything's a positive, you know what I mean? Even in the negative, there's always a positive, you know what I mean? There's always a solution to a negative, you know what I mean? And I've always looked at life like that. And since getting into a better place than myself, I can't help but be empathetic. You know what I mean? And sometimes you can be looked like just being a bitch, you know what I mean, but I'll protect my house all day, all day, you know what I mean. But I think for empathy, you get people to be them true selves, and this is what I've learned about when you meet somebody, I always meet their true self because of that vibrational empathy. You know, that's that's that's an empathy. But when they start to realize that you they can feel you, they put their wall up. I've had that my entire life. Like I've had people just give me them true selves straight away, and then you know, that's the vibration and the energy, and you can see them, and then their ego sees it straight away, boom, they put it off. That's the one gift of life, you know what I mean. And as a Sagittarian, I've really understood that. Like just to be optimistic and and every not gonna say like I had all the shit cards in life as a kid, you know what I mean? Just the things I was always happy when I was making a rep team with no glove. You know what I mean? I was just happy to be in there, you know what I mean? Like I had no dad. You know what I mean? Having no dad, everything was happy. You know, I was finding joy in every other man, you know what I mean? Everyone caring for me. That's where I felt joy. So I guess that I got used to not having my dad. You know, that's why I could be really empathetic, you know what I mean? Like, he ain't coming back, bruv. I accepted that years and years ago when my mum started being a bitch to me. You know what I mean? I realized I can't be like she couldn't look at me because I look like him. So I learned these things straight away. That's acceptance. Fuck, okay, then he ain't never coming back, bro. You know, I I wouldn't want to come back to her either. This is my mind at that time. Why would I want to come back? You know what I mean? So that's where I think I've learned a lot of empathy.

SPEAKER_03 1:20:04

Yeah, you know what I mean. And you know how you said you just recently you it's you're waiting for a phone call of I'm sorry from your parents, okay? And you've obviously realized that you don't need that phone call.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:17

Is that no one needs that phone call, you know what I mean? It was actually, you know, like I was at the end of my addiction of me and my bro there. Um, and big kudos to my bro. He's getting through some um adversity at the moment, him and his baby. Big mate to them. Um he's been a big big storehoard in my my journey, you know. Um he's sort of the far, far north up and up we wished. And um, we were desperate, bro. Like we just we were both fried. Damn, we were desperate. And and and when my daughter got hit by a car and I was still doing these great things, he was looking at me for belief. And I'm thinking, fuck, what? He goes, like, what is it, my bro? Like, you know, I'm thinking to myself, like, fuck, are you looking at me for some fucking hope here, bro? You looking, dude, guys, and in that moment when I really looked at it, I was like, what do you fucking mean? He's like, bro, look what they've done to me. He goes, You fuck. I thought you were the man now. You know what I mean? But then, but and and that wasn't a disrespect, but in respect, he's like, fuck, you struggling boy. He knew straight away that I was struggling, where he was actually leaning on me. And I'm thinking, fuck, I'm doing a good job of put fucking putting on a mask here. Like, because they were always coming to me for fucking guidance, man. You know what I mean? But yet I was broken. But like I said, I was waiting for that phone call. So it wasn't until that time, like in yeah, in 2019. He's like, fuck, are you waiting for the phone call from your parents out? You know, he said, I hope you're not waiting for the and then when I looked at him, it was in that look, he just knew straight away, like, fuck, bro. You ain't getting it, cuz you went, I was like, what do you mean? You don't say sorry, no, bro. None of us are. I'm thinking, you ain't had one? He's like, no, not at all, bro. So that and and like I said, this is how oblivious to the world I was. Like, oblivious to the to the makeup of what world we actually lived in. I was just living in a broken little boy's heart world. I was just a broken little five-year-old kid at the age of 39. Just all broken, the answers. Like my grandmother rang me, my dad rang me, my stepbrother rang me. I never met him. They started reaching out to me just because of that surrender of like, fuck, you know.

SPEAKER_03 1:22:32

Yeah, I I love that. You've you've you've created a space now.

SPEAKER_00 1:22:35

Yeah, yeah. So they don't come into me now. You know, my mum was ringing me, like, like, you know, even comments like that would normally break me didn't affect me. You know, like my mum was like, you know, you know, and like one day, you know, like I'm sure parents or the kids have gone through this. Like, you know, son, even when we've broken up, I'll still sleep with your dad. Yeah, I know. How'd you know? Fuck, you dropped me off, and he's there for two hours after he's dropped me off. This is the thing their parents think they don't know. They know. And like I told my mum and my dad, like when I talked to them about my my trauma that I had, this you know, we they ring and ask about my trauma to help them heal, you know what I mean? And so I can give it to them in a perspective. But what I learned about my trauma was that it was through my perspective, like it wasn't what it was in their eyes, because they weren't experiencing what I was experiencing. But what I was experiencing, you didn't want me. Every time you wanted me on the weekend, you dropped me off to your mother. So now I'd get punched something out of their house, so you have to come pick me up. That's the motherfucker I was, you know what I mean? Like just shit like that. Because and that was the world that I created for myself, and it's I I look back and I could laugh on it, but it wasn't funny at the time. But I really do. Like, even my kids, they they're grateful to hear the stories now. And I'm glad I share these. Like, I remember that you shouldn't be sharing these stories with your kids because but if they never knew what I want, went through, they'd think that I had it solid. I mean, like even my little son-in-law there, he he didn't realize I didn't have it, he thought I had a father. Because I look primitive because he sees me now, he sees the guy now, he thinks that I had a good upbringing and all this. He's like, Oh, then my daughter would cheer. He's like, damn, okay. But that's the work in healing, you know what I mean? And understanding that you you grow as your journey goes along. But I think um, for me it was more about their level of of awareness, is what at the end of the day, awareness is telling you with the power of one, power of now.

SPEAKER_05 1:24:32

So yeah, when people are looking for an apology, man, like even myself, waiting for that phone call for being wrong, not even from a child, from an adult, yeah, in in your adult life, and and someone's wronged you, and you're wanting them to apologize for you to you, and it's it's not gonna come. No, and you you don't ask for it because it's not real, it's not genuine. And that's closure. People after closure, yeah, are only closure. It's fake. It's fake. If you gotta ask for it, it's fake.

SPEAKER_00 1:25:07

You gotta ask though, like if you're asking for the apology, did you put yourself in the position to be affected by that person? You made a conscious choice to be there, and with regardless of the outcome, we still want an apology because we knew the fellow was a dick anyway, and we still go be with a dick, you know what I mean? Sometimes it's an example. You know, this is what I learned about my life. Like when you learn about the Puraku of us creating our lives before we come to Earth. You know what I mean? If you've heard these stories about choosing your parents and stuff before you come here, your circumstances in the trilogy when I went to the trilogy. There's a lady there about there talking to us, a queer there talking to us about how we choose our parents, our brothers, our circumstances, right? So if it's all premeditated and it's the illusion, it's not that hard to let go of, to be honest. But it's only because of the emotion that gets tied to it that we become attached to it. That makes sense, you know what I mean? This is what I've learned for myself, is that so when I look at my dad and their all their experience and I put his into perspective what he went through, you know, and I chose my parents before I came here. I chose to live in this, I chose the things I chose to do. They used to be looked upon as put on your stuff, bro. But now it's it's quite common, according to now, I'm pretty sure. Um we've been in a room where it's been the according to the Tani Matwa, you know, about who we are and where we come from, and you know, those things. And I just take it back to that. When you get to that, I think a level awareness, it becomes a different field. You see the field, you see the playing field, the conscious space, you know what I mean? The energy, you get to see it, and you're just another bit of light in the dark that when you vibrate very high, you're seen in the dark.

SPEAKER_03 1:26:53

Forward to in the future.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:54

Like I was telling the bro um time on the earlier the last week. I've been quite privileged to be in the bros um in placenterians, you know, Tahita and all them, and doing these programs and accepting and getting to a place of life to learn this guy now, like just learning me and who I am. I do have some feelings, visions forward, but just trying to learn the guy, learn, learn who I am at the moment. Um, a bit of Fenoua for me. Up because I'm up in the high country up north, about three hours north of Melbourne City. I've met some Aboriginal elders up there, and they're in a place where there's a Palladian conscious buffalo. So I've been up there in the high country and done some work up there with them, been taken to some old sacred places up there. Powerful places, truly powerful. Um, I spoke to a couple of the brothers that would like to come down here and bring, you know, to Fody A or these ways, because these elders down here. I mean, like Narinal said to us at the one, these fellas are older than us, they got the knowledge. Why can't we lean off them? You know what I mean? So being up there with these tongers, and one of them is a lady, and all they have Avandel, she's up there. They got some massive corridor up there. So connecting to that space and getting a bit of land up there is something I want to do for my me my far know and my muku at the moment. Home would be great eventually. Eventually, you know what I mean? But I've created a bit of a far no here, you know, a bit of a drive here at the moment that I think just yeah, locking it down here for ourselves, keep working on uh the healing with my young ones, starting to grow my muku. That's the like I get to go see him tomorrow, I'm so stoked. But just growing old with him and my kids, all I wanted to do was grow old like my coru. Fuck, I was far from that, bro. You know what I mean? I was far from that. But I um but his but his values, I always believed in his values. He told me our town was a place of heathens. I thought that was heaven. I don't know what heathens was as a kid, bro. You know, and I thought, fuck, we're growing up in heaven, Coral. Yeah, yeah. This is where we go. But I get the energy he was talking about. You know, not just like a lot of towns, you know, there's a lot of trauma there, a lot of trauma of our far knowing.

SPEAKER_05 1:29:00

Beautiful. We'll get to our closing questions. Yes. My one is what is the meaning of life for you?

SPEAKER_00 1:29:11

Joy, joy, bro. Just loving everything I do. I would say far no, bro, is which is obviously life is far no, but I mean, but to me it's like joy, loving, enjoying life. You know, because I've always ever just chased it. That's probably my answer, bro.

SPEAKER_03 1:29:34

And my final question is if your younger self was listening to this, what would you say to him?

SPEAKER_00 1:29:42

That's been asked a lot. Patience. That's what I'd say. That's patience. I mean because there's no advice to give to your younger self because we're here today. That's me, you know what I mean. Like uh doctors know that regardless of all the pain and stuff that they're going through back then, you need that you need that stuff as much as it's uh painful and and destroying things like that. Um the most high always forgives, he's already forgiven us. Um not to say the gauntly and fucking play out. Well not at all, but um just know that you're meant to be where you're supposed to be. You know, where you are right now is where you're supposed to be. Just be patient, yeah. Yeah, now that's what I'd be saying to myself.

SPEAKER_01 1:30:28

Awesome. Is there anything that you want to add or talk about?

SPEAKER_00 1:30:32

No, not at all. Uh firstly, just a big mahi to you both. Yeah, uh, thank you so much. Firstly, everybody on the podcast, and I wish you all the best of your guys' journey. But what you guys are doing is amazing. Um, yeah, no, appreciate you.

SPEAKER_02 1:30:48

Appreciate you being here. Much love to you and your father. So thank you.

SPEAKER_04 1:30:51

Thank you. Yeah, thanks for being here with us and having the time down here in Melbourne, and we get to enjoy the night. It's the strong game, it's wrong. Yeah, we're out of here.